What I Learned This Week: Change the Game Plan

After I agreed to play along in Jo-Lynne's "What I Learned This Week" carnival, I kind of broke out in a cold sweat.

Part of the reason had to do with the fact that I was in the midst of the stomach virus that has now plagued each and every member of our family. But the other reason was, I wasn't sure I really had much to share.

I mean, what had I learned this week? That Clorox wipes are a gift from the gods?

But, just when my concern began to blossom into full-scale panic, I was hit between the eyes with the biggest lesson of the week.

It was Sunday night and four of us were laid out in the great room suffering through said stomach virus. Josh (4), who had recovered from his bout a day earlier, was the only one back to fighting form. He comes in the great room and asks if he can go over to my parents' house to play because he was bored.

Earlier that day (before my other two kids got sick), my parents had generously offered to take the kids to Walmart. On the way home, Grace (19 months) began puking in the car. So, I kind of felt like my parents had had their fill of us for one day.

"No, Josh." I said.

"But, why. I'm --"

"Josh. No. I said no. Mimi and Papa have already done enough today."

That's when my husband piped up, "You don't have to holler at him."

"I didn't holler," I protested.

"Yes you did. You just don't notice it because you're always in holler mode with him lately."

Ouch.

Was that really true?

I thought about my husband's comment for the rest of the evening.

Of all three of my children, Josh is the most challenging. He is a debater by nature. He can be stubborn. He has an answer for everything. Something as simple as asking him to put on his shoes can turn into a 15-minute, "But why can't I wear my flip flops when it's 40 degrees and raining?" episode.

Josh's personality is diametrically opposite to mine. I don't like conflict. I don't enjoy debates. I was the type of child who tended to do as she was told, without question. A lot of times I find myself wondering, "Why can't he just take my answer and leave it at that. Why is there always an argument?"

In short, the constant drama exhausts me.

While I still don't agree that I was "hollering" at Josh the other night, I can't deny the fact that my communication with him did have a certain "edge" to it. The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that every time I talk to Josh lately, I tend to have my boxing gloves on and ready. I'm almost anticipating the fight. Doing so practically ensures an argument every time, while encouraging the same petulant behavior in him (what am I modeling, after all?).

And as a result, I fall far short of the mother I'd like to be.

What I learned this week is that sometimes you need to change up the game plan. Parenting from a defensive position -- particularly when dealing with a strong-willed child -- will not get the job done. The answer doesn't lie in "winning the fight" and forcing Josh to succumb to my will. More often than not, the answer lies in more patience and focus on my part, not more vocal volume. (This post from Simple Kids sums it up perfectly.)

Ultimately, I've got to remain mindful of my own behavior and response. Because, in the end, the only behavior I can control is my own.

If I can master that, I stand a much better chance at influencing the behavior of those around me, especially my children.

To learn what other people learned this week, head on over to Musings of a Housewife.